15 posts tagged “funny joke”

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" 
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." 

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming, too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.

Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.

"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

Two drunks are walking along.

One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night... look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

They started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.

"Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

Air Freshener

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches a 'blonde lady' driver.

"Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

Farmer Joe is suing a trucking company for injuries he sustained in an accident. The company's lawyer, Mr. Green, questions Farmer Joe in court.

'Didn't you say, 'I'm fine, ' at the accident scene?' Mr. Green asks.

'I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessy, ' says Farmer Joe.

'I'm not asking for details, ' Mr. Green says. 'Just answer the question.'

'I am, ' Farmer Joe says. 'I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessy into the trailer when...'

'Didn't you tell the state trooper that you were fine?' Mr. Green interrupts.

The judge stops Mr. Green's questioning and tells him to let Farmer Joe tell his story the way he wants to.

'So, anyway, ' says Farmer Joe. 'I loaded Bessy in the trailer and started driving down the highway when a huge semi-truck ran a stop sign and smacked into the right side of my truck.

'I was thrown into one ditch and Bessy was tossed into another. I could hear her cries for help but I was too hurt to move, ' Farmer Joe says.

'Then a state trooper came by and I heard him talking about Bessy. He said she was a complete loss. Then I heard a gun go off and Bessy stopped moaning, ' Farmer Joe says.

'What does this story have to do with anything?' Mr. Green asks.

'The state trooper walked over to me and said, 'Your cow was in bad shape so I shot her between the eyes. How are you doing?''

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5, 000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35, " was the reply.

"I'm actually 47, " the man says happily.

A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"

"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47, "

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".

A young Irish gentleman sitting at a bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar. The man proceeded to say "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up .Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn, and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son. ""Well " said the bartender "I guess this pig is very special so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened? " "Well said the young man, when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once !!!"

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some roadside damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant pastor lurking about and then ducking into the house.

"Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!"

They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work. A short time later they watched as a Jewish rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.

"Did ya see that Darby?" Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!"

Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic priest, lurk about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneak in the door.

"Oh no, Darby look!" Said Pat removing his cap.
"One of the poor girls musta died."