7 posts tagged “irish joke”

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate.

Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea.

Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site.

When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer."

He was also admitted.The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in.

Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

A young Irish gentleman sitting at a bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar. The man proceeded to say "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up .Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn, and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son. ""Well " said the bartender "I guess this pig is very special so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened? " "Well said the young man, when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once !!!"

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some roadside damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant pastor lurking about and then ducking into the house.

"Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!"

They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work. A short time later they watched as a Jewish rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.

"Did ya see that Darby?" Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!"

Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic priest, lurk about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneak in the door.

"Oh no, Darby look!" Said Pat removing his cap.
"One of the poor girls musta died."

Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse." This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building"

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Tacos again! If I get tacos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a taco and jumped too.

The blond opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him chile verde or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

Paddy and Mary, being good Irish Catholics, had so many  children that they didn't know what to do...Paddy says to Mary, "Sure, and we have to get some advice from the parish priest. We can't keep on with anymore children."

So they went to see the priest, and the priest says to Paddy, "Now, me boyo, you know the church only allows two ways to limit the wee ones. One is to abstain altogether, and the other is the rhythm..." Paddy scratches his head and says:

"Well, now, Father, how in the hell am I going to find a jazz band at 4:00 o'clock in the morning????"