3 posts tagged “scottish joke”
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate.
Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea.
Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site.
When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer."
He was also admitted.The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in.
Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
A wedding occurred just outside Govan in Glasgow. To keep tradition
going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's
families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and
generally kicking the living daylights out of each other. The Police
get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court.
The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm
with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".
The court room goes silent and Ronny (the best man) stands up and says
"Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should
explain what happened".
The Judge agrees and asks Ronny to take the stand. Ronny begins his
explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Govan
wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The
judge says "OK".
"Well", said Ronny, "After I had finished the first dance, the music
kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that
the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a
sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the
Bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs".
Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"
"HURT!", Ronny replies "He broke three of my fingers!"
A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.
The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman smiled and said, "On second thought, you can keep the egg!"
